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FEATURE: In Defence of Simon Cowell

Article by Rhys Howell.

The X Factor returns this Saturday, and we all know what to expect: the treacly piano score; the soft focus blur; the tears beginning to trickle down the contestant’s face during their tale about their paraplegic gran, and how she used to hum “Danny Boy” using only her throat mic after Nazi dentists stole her larynx, and that’s why in a modern interpretation they’ll now be singing “SK8R Boi” for dear old Gran. Its such a cliché that as soon as Keane come on the soundtrack you know the weeping chancer is going through. Other than this one downside, I’m looking forward to what is the saviour of the music industry.

Last week we had a feature lambasting reality TV shows and their impact on the music industry (If you haven’t read it yet then it can be found here. I’ll wait while you do.). I think these programs are a good thing and will attempt to convince you, too.

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Features

FEATURE: Does Britain Really Have the X-Factor Talent?

Image courtesy of The Daily Goss.

And first, the news! So recently it was announced that John and Edward, fronted by aging buffoon Louis Walsh are to release a second god awful travesty. Yes my friends. It is regrettably true that those two Irish pillocks (affectionately?) shortened to JedWard, have surpassed all logic and reason with their release of their personal answer to the Nuclear Bomb, a cover version of Blink 182’s ‘All the Small Things’ (along side their new debut album). For those that may not know, John and Edward are 18 year old twins, who earned their reputation for covering poor renditions of tunes like the ‘Ghostbusters Theme Tune’ and ‘Vanilla Ice’s Under Pressure’ during last year’s series of X-Factor. The main problem was that they were at the time subject of much entertainment, because they simply weren’t good enough. How they made it into the knockout stages was a mystery to many. Nevertheless, they battled through the rounds with their out of sync jumping and cringingly tuneless vocal musings. Surprisingly, they made it to the 6th knockout round of the competition. Thing is, these boys need no encouragement. It’s not really a fair plan to expose them to the public in this way to be the subject of mockery. Whilst the novelty of watching these boys progress through the rounds bastardising tune after tune was admittingly entertaining at first, their sheer lack of quality soon became tiresome. To the point where, for many weeks, they were booed, live in front of an audience of millions. And now, as previously mentioned, they have landed a large record deal, 2 singles and an album. On what grounds? Success?